From a young age, I’ve carried an inexplicable conviction within me — a sense of having lived lifetimes before. This profound feeling, deeply etched in my soul, always whispered to me of a past far more ancient than my years. My remarkably vivid memory stands as a testament to this belief in being an old soul. I found myself drawn to the wisdom of the elderly, feeling a natural comfort in their presence as if I belonged amongst them more than with my peers.
My mother often marveled at my ability to recall the minutest details of my early childhood. She was skeptical at first, but I remember clearly disproving her doubts. I was barely two when I underwent my baptism, yet the memories of that day and the events leading up to it remain etched in my mind as if they occurred only yesterday.
My grandmother, a figure of saintly grace, was the epitome of patience and kindness. Never once did I hear a harsh word from her or see her lose her composure. Her devotion to her faith was unwavering, her mornings spent in quiet prayer, fingers gently moving over her rosary beads. With eyes closed and a serene expression, she appeared almost angelic. Her influence was profound, and under her guidance, I embraced the Catholic faith with enthusiasm in my younger years.
However, a pivotal moment came during a church service, as I listened to the priest’s sermon. What had once resonated with me now seemed disconnected from my reality. It was as if a veil had lifted, revealing a new perspective. I felt a growing disconnect with the church doctrines, a sense of skepticism cloaking my former belief. In that moment of revelation, everything I had held true seemed to crumble, leaving me to navigate a path of spiritual uncertainty.
In the years that followed my departure from the church, I found myself drifting further from any form of spiritual belief. Embracing atheism, I shut out any notions of divinity or the supernatural. My pursuit of engineering in college only solidified my skepticism, as I immersed myself in a world governed by logic and empirical evidence.
Yet, even amidst my staunch disbelief, there lingered a peculiar sense of being watched over, as if an unseen force shielded me. I often felt extraordinarily fortunate, a sensation that persisted despite the various traumas and challenges I faced. My life, outwardly ordinary, seemed to unfold as if orchestrated for my benefit; my ambitions and goals almost invariably came to fruition.
My intuition, a silent guardian, steered me clear of several misfortunes. I acknowledged its presence, but never attributed it to anything beyond mere instinct.
Significant events marked this period of my life, each one chalked up to luck or rational decision-making. After graduating from university, I secured what many would call a dream job at a prestigious scientific institution. Despite professional success, personal fulfillment eluded me. I married a wonderful man, our wedding a picture-perfect fairy tale, yet an indefinable void remained within me.
Relocating to Canada, my life transformed in ways I had never imagined. I had it all – a rewarding job, a handsome salary, a beautiful home – but still, something felt amiss.
This was my darkest hour. An inexplicable emptiness gnawed at me, a void I couldn’t articulate. Then, a phrase inscribed on an ancient tombstone in my hometown cemetery struck a chord in me: “No son muertos los que en dulce calma la paz disfrutan de la tumba fría, muertos son los que llevan muerta el alma y viven todavía.” (“The dead are not those who rest in sweet peace in the cold tomb; dead are those who carry a dead soul and still live.”) It felt like a mirror reflecting my own state: I was alive, yet I felt dead inside.
But, in my bleakest moment, a faint glimmer of hope emerged. I discovered I was pregnant, and with this revelation, my life began to pivot. This was the catalyst for a transformation, the beginning of a journey that continues to unfold.
I now find myself on a path of awakening, a journey back to the essence of my soul. For too long, I lived in the shadows of my ego, blind to the greater truth of my existence. But a profound realization has dawned upon me: I am infinitely more than just a construct of my mind. This journey of self-discovery has been tumultuous, requiring me to shed layers of misconceptions and outdated beliefs that no longer serve my purpose.
When I gaze at the stars now, they fill me with a renewed sense of joy and wonder. My quest for understanding continues, as I delve deeper into the universal truths. This insatiable search, I’ve come to realize, is a pursuit of the divine spark within me — a flame that connects me to everything. Some may call it God, the Universe, or another name that resonates with their spirit.
Awakening to one’s spirituality is a deeply personal and unique process. It doesn’t manifest identically for everyone. What rings true to me may not hold the same meaning for you. We each tread our own paths of discovery, and sometimes, certain truths elude us simply because we are not yet ready to receive them. This realization has taught me to withhold judgment, as I’ve witnessed my own evolution in perceiving and interpreting life.
For those pondering the grand questions of existence — our purpose, our place in the cosmos — rest assured that the answers are on their way. All it takes is to ask and be open to the unfolding of a new reality. May your journey lead you to your higher self, and in the stillness of the night, may you find the sweetest of dreams and the courage to seek your truth.
Also Read: The Serene Sanctuary
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